Do you want to live or Die?

Whatever you choose, get on with it and do it well.

This is a personal piece for as you know, I lost both eyes in two separate traumatic incidences, extensive skull and brain damage which seems to have healed, teeth knocked out, facial and lip numbness and paralysis, and a nearly blown off tongue that was sewn back on. 

With the vision loss was the loss of my high income as a dental surgeon, loss of homes and cars, loss of all savings, becoming nearly homeless, and speech practice daily to disguise my new lisp from the facial and tongue injuries. I should be dead or at least brain dead but I am totally healthy, get to exercise daily, have a YouTube and radio show, a Blog, and sell my books and personal development services online. 

The problem? I don’t like being blind, starting all over to earn the income that I envision having, experiencing slow but steady growth of my audience, and often just not grateful for the daily darkness and imperceptible progress. Is suicide an option? I have thought about it often and sometimes too often. When my mood is down or I find myself focusing on what I don’t have instead of what I do have, hopelessness and helplessness quickly blossom and smother, absolute failure my destiny. 

The confirmation is the total darkness, walking cautiously in the house to not stub my toes or knock anything over, miss a stair and fall, and realizing that communication to the outside world is by an audible software with a mechanical voice called, JAWS. In the personal development space, all the teachers gleefully state that the Universe likes speed and to commit to a purpose and will it to manifest by taking mass and repeated action. 

Well, often this does not work and patience the left over reward. Concerning income and the extraordinary amounts that I envision and expect from myself, the progress has been torturously slow and often nothing. I enlist a positive and possibility filled attitude which masks the lack of progress and growing discontent with my presence on Earth. 

I acknowledge my ongoing failure in providing adequately for my family, mooching off my wife who works two jobs, and me using time to expand and make my shows more audience valuable without financial reward. So is this a bitch and moan pity party and me selfishly thinking only of myself and disregarding others? 

When drowning in the depthless vat of putrid shit also called self-hate, the imagined experience becomes real. This is the point where I give myself the choice of imagining the greater and what is possible or plummeting deeper into desperation and hopelessness.

I tell myself to maintain hope and that quitting doesn’t get the prize. Alas, this technique doesn’t work all the time and the circadian day passes into yet another disappointing Earth rotation. So is suicide an option? Yes it is, I do think about it when in the lowest of moods, and it would be effective in eliminating the chronic pain of continued suffering which many go through daily. 

There are always two sides to everything however because failure is always paired with possibility, love with fear, what didn’t work with what might work, selfishness with selflessness. By contrast many out there live with missing limbs, severe burns, blindness, paralysis, debilitating headaches, dizziness preventing standing and walking, heart problems preventing daily activity, Diabetes and peripheral numbness and neuropathy, PTSD like anxiety and exaggerated fear, chronic emotionally draining pain, and drowning in deep depression unable to lift out of it.

In this writing I have quelled the urge to a permanent flesh death vacation and redirected the focus of my inadequacies to how I can assist others so they can live their greatest lives. 

As I tell others: what you focus on you feel; what you focus on becomes real; where positive focus goes, positive energy flows. Life happens through you, for you. 

The flip-side to suicide is the pain you cause to the living is forever and your selfish gift killing them each day of their lives. The strategy therefore is to focus on empathy, giving, caring for others, and accepting the smallest forward progress and all backward detour as good because you took action. 

I end this piece with what my daughter, Alena, casually mentioned as she was gardening on a warm Northwest May 27.

She said, many people complain about the smallest of shit, blame others for why their lives are lousy, and always take other people’s time, money, and emotional support. You lived through a tree branch then bullet in your head, loss of our homes and money, and you never complain and constantly trying to make lives better. Well, validation does work and especially coming from my daughter, I was rewarded with a heartfelt unsolicited comment. 

I won’t be killing myself today and choose life, getting on with it, and doing it well. 

If you find yourself struggling, alone, desperate, and in a place where you think no one understands, I do. Contact me at:

If you want to talk to me directly, feel free to call me at: 253.213.7300. 

You, like me, are God gifts and meant to be here. When we forget this fact and focus on the lesser, the futile and hopeless, we get exactly what we focus on. Because all in life is choice, then let us choose a great life and the one that we would most love to live.

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